Monday, September 29, 2008
Yesterday I thought everything was fine.
You explained, I called you, and we talked for 46 minutes.
I was very happy. I don't know if you were.
I thought finally, everything was cleared and nothing will happen already.
And you seemed comfortable, we crapped and laughed, and you even teased me, "did you do that purposely..."
I heard that.
And you even called your brother to talk to me. Even though he only said a hello.
Normally if there isn't a level of interest, or if there isn't a certain degree of comfortableness, no sane person would call one of their family to talk to another person on the phone.
Or so I thought.
She came and find me, I told her yes, and I told her everything was cleared.
And you said you explained to her, and to forget what she said.
So I thought it was okay then.
I smsed if you're back home yet, because you said you were going school at such a late timing, and I was worried.
Then I went to bathe. And I got the call.
I explained myself.
Okay, the funeral thing was one reason. Another reason, was simply to try and see you.
Obviously if you like a person, you will want to see her every time, I thought by walking the same route as you do I will be able to do that.
Apparently it was working. Because out of like 5 days, at least 3 times I saw you on the way.
Or maybe it had worked too well?
Until the extent where you said you don't want me to stalk you.
Stalk? A stalk of celery you mean?
We live at the same estate, opposite blocks, obviously meeting would be a coincidence? Sometimes I can even see someone, who obviously like you, walk towards your house like nothing happened? I don't want to name names, but you should get who I mean.
Obviously one time where you walk out of the lift I jumped out and said hello? I am not those kind who loiters around HDB blocks waiting to scare people.
Its purely a coincidence. My mum and brother were also walking to school using the same way.
And I didn't went down especially early. I just went at my normal time.
I thought I explained everything. Then maybe because of that fucking sms and you thought I had cared too much.
And you said you were uncomfortable.
Then you found her to explain stuff to me. Why not explain yourself? We talked for 3/4 of an hour and you said you were shy.
Then you said you don't want me to stalk you. In the first place, I am not stalking you.
If I were really stalking do you think, by telling a pervert not to stalk, he will stop it?
Not saying I am a pervert, but you get the idea.
Maybe I am too fierce in pursuing, and you got scared.
But anyway you still said, "Now no, after O levels no." We can still be friends. But you say we cannot be a couple. That's what you feel now though, and maybe that will change in future but you aren't sure.
All along I thought you had feel. Then on Saturday I asked another one of your friend, and she said "to be frank she doesn't have any feel for you".
I thought, maybe I should ask you myself. Or observe. Then Sunday we talked. And I thought your friend might be wrong, because she doesn't seem really sure. And she asked if you were giving me false hope, and if I feel that you have feel for me.
And I thought I can confirm the latter. Well now I don't know.
And while you say that sentence I can hear that you were like, smiling and saying it at the same time.
Is it shy or what. This kinds of things, shy for what?
Its like you are not treating it seriously. Is it for fun, a prank? As someone said, its like if you think this is fun then you should go and die.
Yesterday was well, today was terrible. Yesterday, I flew up to heaven from hell, and while I am still mid air, you took a baseball bat and hit me back to hell.
I don't know what she said to you. Maybe the time when she was with you, you took her words and believed in those so called conspiracy theories.
Talking about conspiracy theories, I have a lot with me. One example is that, you have been playing with me, or using me to agitate someone, or blah.
If I ever think about these, I think I will get damn emo and commit suicide?
Best thing is to clear out face to face. Or telephone to telephone. You did, but there we had to communicate through a medium.
Hopefully one day we can trash things out. I don't know how you can have a 360 degrees turn, being sweet on one day and turning heartless less than 24 hours later.
I don't know if you are too scared of me, that you want to drop a bomb on me to make me stop doing those stuff.
The problem is that, sometimes its just coincidental, and sometimes its because I really cared.
Or is she just telling you the stuff that you should do, and not what you really wanted? Because it seems to me that, either she's very influential or that you are easily swayed, taken in by her words.
Maybe you are scared of me, and she tried the extremist method of rejecting me, to let me stop doing those.
Or are you trying to test my endurance? Or is it a prank? Or is it a ploy to keep me focused, because you were scared that I might lose focus on studies?
See, conspiracy theories. Sometimes we tend to look at the "deeper" meaning, and not on the surface. If I had look at those deeper meanings, I would have jumped. Because there are damn lot of outcomes.
I cried. I totally, don't know what you are thinking. One moment, everything was alright, then after that direct rejection.
Seriously, what the fuck is this. I told him, and he was, equally shocked. Another one was speechless.
But both told me to concentrate on studies. Like omfg, how do I concentrate now? Just now when I was doing the Biology paper, I did until I cried.
One pile of shit after another. Great. Now I think I am buried deeply.
Confusing. I don't know if I should take what you said, because it will hurt too much. On the other hand if I don't accept it then I will think a lot.
Maybe one day I shall wait till we are free, and clear out everything. Because I have so many doubts here and there.
Maybe after the last heart to heart talk, I will completely give up.
But till then, I am weighing my options. Because I am simply in a state of shock, and I don't really know what to do.
But the logical thing is to complete O's.
After that I don't know what will happen. It sucks, to be left hanging like a thread. Because it's you will feel insecurity.
Maybe I am going to wait. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Well, if you see this, hopefully you will understand everything, and clear up the supposedly misunderstanding. If not, there's nothing I can do too.
I didn't know one fucking sms can screw up everything. It's so damn tiring to have one problem after another.
If you are testing my endurance, my love, or anything, I think you had done that very well.
I seriously feel that we are an unfinished article.
I just changed my blog song, accordingly to my feelings. Listen to the lyrics, its the perfect song.
